How many of you have built your whole identity around being being the one who gets things done, or is the the one who is always steady when things get rough. Are you the one who sees catastrophe coming and manages to avert it before anyone even knew there was danger? You may see being this guy or gal as necissary and as just part of who you are which makes the wear and tear it puts on you hard to see. One day though, you wake up and find that you are exhausted in ways that sleep can’t seem to fix. This feeling may send you on a journey of self-discovery brought on by the desire to “find” yourself.
There’s an old Sumerian story about the goddess Inanna going down into the underworld. She has to pass through seven gates, and at each one, the gatekeeper asks her to hand something over. One at a time, she gives up Her Crown and Garments, and coverings, so that by the time she reaches the bottom, she’s carrying and is covered in nothing. She had surrendered everything that outwardly refelcted who and what She was. The story illustrates that in order to truly understad herself and her place in the world, Inanna had to face her vulnerabilites and ultimately her own shadow.
In your struggle to get reaacquainted with yourself, you are going through your own symbolic descent. Your desire to be the one to hold everyone and everything together may be your crown, and the internal keeper of that symbolic first gate is asking you to lay over-responsibility down at their feet. You cannot move on to the next layer while still clinging to the old habit which clearly no longer serves you.
Somewhere in your past, it may have started as a survival reflex or maybe the dopamine hit from all that praise became addictive to a young, developing mind. Whatever the reason, needing to be the capable one stuck. This may seem harmless on the surface, but being present for others is not suatainable if you don’t also make room to be present for yourself. Without that, you get depleted and stress becomes overwhelming. You lose yourself in the unending tide of over-responsibility.
Let me tell you somnething, Ma cher. Real responsibility has edges. You know where those edges are because you consciously agreed to them. You can point to precisesly where it begins and, importantly for our case here, where it ends. Over-responibility has no edges. It expands to fill whatever room you walk into and then later hands you a bill that your mind and body struggle to pay.
Here’s a quote from one of my coaching clients. I want you to take it to heart: I can be responsible without being responsible for everything.
Try this for a week:
Pick one situation where you hold your help until somebody actually asks for it.
If you journal, two questions are worth sitting with, in this order. What do you still feel responsible for even though it would honestly be fine without you? What are you afraid will happen if you just let it go?
Remember. You can’t pass through the first gate toward self-discovery with the old habits attached to that crown. Lay it down, Ma Cher. The world will still turn, and you’ll be much better for it.
Papa Eli
This is the second time I've heard this story this week - The first time was the first I'd ever heard the story at all. So, I feel this is asking me to sit with what you've shared and consider how to lay down my crown.